Wear a different t-shirt or risk apathy

The weather... how British

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 11:47:25 +0200

Well, you know when you just need a kind hand to touch you on your arm with a look of concern on that person's face. That's what I need right now. Except that person has to be prepared to take my tears. And I have to feel feel comfortable displaying that emotion with them. So who does that leave to talk to, erm, no-one.

My cousin has cancer. He just found out about a week ago. He had a 'cyst' on his neck 2 years ago, and the hospital never sent a follow-up appointment letter. An appointment in which he wouldv'e found out that he had cancer. So, 2 years later, he finds he's got cancer and it's malignant.

Finding everything a bit too much right now. The whole mother thing, the recent boyfriend, my cousin, my sanity. And when you're travelling there ain't no good friend by your side. And there sure as hell has never been a father, let alone a mother for the last 10 years. So stupid I, yes, stupid, me, strike out for what is familiar, what has been reassuring for me in the shape of an ex-companion, boyfriend, whatever. We were together for 8 years. Until we broke up 2 and a half years ago. So then I send him an email out of the blue. It was friendly and I didn't mention anything about the break up or any problems with me. But, what did I expect, a friendly reunion? Ha, I just left him with a house, a dog and a mortgage. Then I come crawling to his door to see what response I get. Actually the response was OK. It wasn't overly welcoming but OK. But any response was enough to make me see that he needs to left alone. What an idiot I am.

You know, sometimes it's just OK. You've got to live your life, you can't live in fear of p!ssing other people off all the time. Otherwise nothing changes and nothing is learnt.

It's just nice to not literally be alone for the hard times.

Comments

title-928266

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 05:05:56 +0200

To the 'man',

I really miss your voice. And I miss not being able to confide in you about everything that's happening with me here.

I'm more interested in how you've been feeling though. I think it's great that you're doing what you're doing, but your email could've been written to anyone - your parents, your friends, etc. Why are you so closed with me? That hurts that you don't tell me a thing.

I'm really 'finding myself' right now. You know, everything that's been ignored in me or that I didn't know existed, is coming to the forefront as I'm working here with people here.

I can't ignore all that I've felt here. It's very personalised, all this, for me. I see how I directly affect my environment and in a good way.

I also need to be fair on you. I need to know more about who I am and what I want.

I've been fairly unsatisfied with things between us for a while, as I've already said and I'm not willing to continue as we have been. I really need to think things through. I really miss you and the intimacy we kind of sometimes had and kind of sometimes NEARLY had.

I think that what we've had has been beautiful at times, but they've been so few and far between. I crave to be understood, I crave being important to my partner, I crave appreciating my partner so much and making that person feel so special that they see no-one but me. I deserve that and so do you.

F*ck do i feel what we're missing now. It's like a light has switched on.

No amount of just getting on and just telling each other that we could see us with the other for the rest of our lives is going to remedy that. I want to reach my potential. I don't think I'm achieving that with you. That's not fair on you or me. How much 'working' do we have to do, it's silly. Things haven't been that better since our discussions in March. It's not like we haven't tried.

I feel like you haven't understood so well how I felt as a result of my mother. I feel like you've been kind of a security for me for the past 6 months to a year, to show myself, 'look, I have a life, yeah, look at me' rather than the raw love that I felt for the first 3 to 6 months. No one ever wants to hurt anyone, or let someone go so easily when they've loved them so much. And I need to figure out my feelings for you. I don't think we have what we want.

I guess what I'm actually saying is, and I say this with the kind of sigh and frown that has tears running down its cheeks, because I have to do and say this, I think we ought to have time out for 3 weeks at least. I think we ought to meet up in 3 weeks time and say 'hey, you know what, I've been a fool, I love you so much and I've been so blinded....(for whatever reason)... can we start over?' or even say 'hey, you know what, I'm not going to do this to you, I feel differently now, I respect me and I respect you and I want to be happy and that means to me that we should not be together at this time....' or maybe 'I need so much more time and to have more experiences to figure this out...' or whatever the outcome after our soul searching. We deserve the best because we're both great people. We shouldn't hold ourselves back from whatever out of some sort of stubborn long running monogamy competition.

Please, please reply after some proper thought, but after that I don't want any further contact till we meet up.

I'm so sorry to have hit you with this, like this. I'm guessing you may have had similar thoughts. And if so, yes, it hurts me that I'm not right for you right now, if that's the case. Cos I think you are wonderful, but there's bits of you I'm just not reaching, touching. There's bits of me you're not reaching, touching. It's such a tragedy because I've really wanted to make it work, but it hasn't for ages. Can't imagine you being with someone else. I know I do want you to be happy. Maybe it'll be a lot different when we meet up.

I need this time away right now. Please understand. Please reply too.

Love and a big hug.

FR x

And now I have to click 'send'. F#cker.

Comments

It's pouring...

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 15:22:16 +0200

Ha, ha! They say it never rains, it pours. (It's monsooning right now outside!) Yes, I believe that.

So I'm going to take time out from both people. I think I did something good for her self esteem and I'm happy for her if I've made her feel better at all.

I still have her roses. I took pictures of them in my room, of my unmade bed and the things I had strewn there. Left things as they were from our night together. Plus a couple of other things. A guitar. A couple of printed out songs with chords on them. 2 dented pillows. A messed up blanket.

She's on her way home now. A very arduous few flights back. I'm so happy that it's her who was the catalyst for the many revelations I've had. But now is not the time for anything between us, if ever. I'm happy that it wasn't a scary one night stand that meant nothing to the other person and may have only scared me off of my 'spiritual path'.

I miss her. I miss her so much.

Comments

So she's left

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 05:06:01 +0200

I'm sitting in an Internet cafe crying, wondering what's going on and not being able to figure it out soon enough before she went. 3 days, 3 days. What's that? It's not fair that's what. The time last night before the party when I fantasised about whispering in her ear about how sexy she is. Nervousness and lack of bottle. Good title for a book hey?

What does this all mean to me? What does she mean to me?

Passion, softness, nervousness, velvet. Concern that I'd disappoint her.

To go with someone - I can't just go too far too soon. It's like having icing but not the cake and the cake matters too. Not enough time - 3 days... I want to build things up, flirt, play, tease, but 3 days, 3 days. I hardly know her - you know - KNOW her. Fears, passions, inner thoughts, the people that made her feel good, the people that made her feel bad. 3 days, what's that?

Her country is on the other side of the world - does the world have sides - or is that just a linguistic barrier? It's as small as we want it to be.

I know she was hurt in another relationship that ended just 3 months ago after 3 years more or less. It takes time to heal from that. Especially when you're the one who DIDN'T want to end it all. I can't imagine how that must have felt for her. That horrible aching when someone you love turns around and drowns all your hopes in one big flash flood. Or maybe not. It wasn't the time for her to talk to me about it. I would've felt bad and she probably wouldn't have decided to see me.

What do I do? How do I feel about a relationship with my, yep, boyfriend?

Was this just an exploration for me, learning what I like and what she likes in intimacy? Do I want to be with him anymore? What should I tell him? I hardly know how I feel myself. Alive. Alive. Alive. Compassion. Energy with her. Little true energy between me and him for around 8 months now. Though you know, I went through a hard time over those 8 months, my single parent mum went to mental hospital, I stuck around for her for 2 months. A crazy hard time. Where she had me wrapped around that little finger again. Now I'm pulling strings by setting limits on how she interacts with me. For my sake; cos I felt so bad all the time. The guilt trips she got high on where my feelings and my living does not count or that's how it feels, felt. I feel so sad for her, so sad. But I can't make it all better. I don't have a magic wand. I don't have training. My chosen career was not a carer. Is not a carer. I'm so sorry that that lets her down. Anyway the point being that it's hard to have a relationship with someone when all that's going on. But he was not there for me very often, it was like there was this gaping whole of knowing me and knowing how I felt. When I told him once or twice, he comforted me, but I didn't feel like the way she made me feel, when I'd told her barely anything. But I think this is partly unfair on him; I don't know, maybe he just didn't get it. Maybe it's because the whole thing with her was so emotional that all the raw stuff was like 'let me out first, please' and the rest take an orderly place in the queue. But he didn't get that opportunity to share my feelings in that way. Do you see? I'm trying to think around this and not put it in a box. There's so much to think about. One at a time eh?!

Am I getting caught up in a moment? That isn't me? Who am I?

We were so tired last night. I think we both wanted intimacy, we got it, but we were so tired; I wanted it to have been different; but 3 days, 3 days.

Love.

I've got to acknowledge my feelings. Repression a f*$king boring game played for too long. I'm so good at behaving how everyone expects me to that I don't know how I, yes me, feel most of the time. I've been on a mind-blowing rollercoaster. Thoughts swirling thickly in my head that I can't pick out; can't grab onto a particular one; can't listen to anyone else at the moment. This moment is mine. It's about time.

Drinking her mango shake. She only left me 41 minutes ago. She just got on her bus half an hour ago.

This is all true not just some made up garbage for everyone's entertainment. Got to get it out somewhere.

Gorgeous figure, the way she moves... big smiles...

She held me in a grasp so understandingly, it's like she knew what I needed.

I think I shall leave it here for now. I need some time alone to sort out how I feel. TIME, time, to value what I felt, TIME to articulate all of this. TIME.

I sent her a text to say that I miss her so much already, she texted back saying I should talk to someone else about how I'm feeling. And that she's only an email away. All I can do is take that at face value. I feel quite disappointed. OK, ok, ok. Later.

Comments

First-time, again...

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 10:59:10 +0200

SONG:
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow

-----------
MY WORDS:
I feel your softness and how delicate you are. How you feel empathy and compassion for me that no-one else has. How you have challenged EVERYTHING. My beliefs, principles, encouraged me to think. Cleverly you did this.. The stars shine for you bebecause what you do is so important and so are the things you say. You deserve those stars to shine for you. You are special.

Admiration or el oh vee eee? Too big a question too soon.
----------------------

SONG:
So Sally can't wait,
She knows it's too late
As we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger I heard you say
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows
If it's not our day

----------------
MY WORDS:
It's not too late, I won't let this walk on by, I won't let my soul slide away.. I've got to take the risk despite it hurting others. I can't keep living like a shell. I've got to find out for myself.
---------------------------
SONG:
(Coldplay)
Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start

Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart

Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start

Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start
----------------------

MY WORDS:
Will there be an end to my shell life? Should all bits of it be let go? Even the good bits? Or did the good bits just disappear, I can no longer remember. What's worth it, what's not?

I'm overwhelmed. I sobbed my eyes nearly dry. Then it went as quickly as it came. I said 'I'm sad' when I sobbed, but I don't why I said this. I know I am, but was it to do with my awful childhood which I've been learning to cope with or was it my gender I was referring to? It just came rushing out. This feeling of utter sadness. Disappointment partly at how terrible people have been to me. Even if it was not intended on their part.

Then I enjoyed kissing her, searching her face and neck with my lips. I have never done this before with em ee en.. It's like she felt special and soft. And small but strong. I felt love somewhat exchanged between us. Tentatively. Given I only have 2 days left until we retreat to opposites sides of the world... you get my meaning anyway. Do I really want this? Do I feel fleetingly that I violated, no did something disgusting. We spent the night together. It wasn't lust. A lot of feeling and maybe a release of a build up, but not so much some sort of chased animal game.

I questioned my em ay en, feefelt I've been with him as a safe bet; a saftey net. I got lost and let someone else lead the way. Should I be single now?

Was I just wearing a role really well? Just doing it for her so well? Was it all me? Or was it my concerns about saving her feelings? I didn't feel uncomfortable that night; last night. I felt contentedness... someone who I barely know (over 3 weeks - not every day), who's leaving so soon. Tears are brimming as I write that. It's because I want to make more of this but it's not possible. For now anyway. She's rare. It isn't often you meet a person and just are struck so much by how wonderful a person they are.

I believe at the moment that it's about the person. That love is not based primarily on gender - I don't have to be with a em ay en. I'm not confirming my feelings here either - I just don't know and there is a limit to the reciprocation. She cares for my feelings.

We raised eyebrows at the house. Her absence from her house was remarked upon and people at my house knew the 2 of us had come out of the same room, looking dishevelled.

I felt a bit of pressure with her. I said thoughts that weren't really on the cards - they were there but I didn't want to say them, but I did. She reacted by taking me very seriously and I'm worried she has an exaggerated view of my eagerness. I think I felt a pressure to go further but when I did it was fine. Not scary, not awful at all. It was too soon for me but she has only 2 days left and I wanted to try it with her before she left.

The more you learn, the less you know, but the more you then know about yourself.

Comments

First entry...

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 08:38:20 +0200

So this blog will be about sexuality, feelings, lessons learnt. The weird ambiguities people often live with. Doing something about feelings. Finding myself - excuse the cliche. Challenging myself.

Comments