Well, you know when you just need a kind hand to touch you on your arm with a look of concern on that person's face. That's what I need right now. Except that person has to be prepared to take my tears. And I have to feel feel comfortable displaying that emotion with them. So who does that leave to talk to, erm, no-one.

My cousin has cancer. He just found out about a week ago. He had a 'cyst' on his neck 2 years ago, and the hospital never sent a follow-up appointment letter. An appointment in which he wouldv'e found out that he had cancer. So, 2 years later, he finds he's got cancer and it's malignant.

Finding everything a bit too much right now. The whole mother thing, the recent boyfriend, my cousin, my sanity. And when you're travelling there ain't no good friend by your side. And there sure as hell has never been a father, let alone a mother for the last 10 years. So stupid I, yes, stupid, me, strike out for what is familiar, what has been reassuring for me in the shape of an ex-companion, boyfriend, whatever. We were together for 8 years. Until we broke up 2 and a half years ago. So then I send him an email out of the blue. It was friendly and I didn't mention anything about the break up or any problems with me. But, what did I expect, a friendly reunion? Ha, I just left him with a house, a dog and a mortgage. Then I come crawling to his door to see what response I get. Actually the response was OK. It wasn't overly welcoming but OK. But any response was enough to make me see that he needs to left alone. What an idiot I am.

You know, sometimes it's just OK. You've got to live your life, you can't live in fear of p!ssing other people off all the time. Otherwise nothing changes and nothing is learnt.

It's just nice to not literally be alone for the hard times.