To the 'man',
I really miss your voice. And I miss not being able to confide in you about everything that's happening with me here.
I'm more interested in how you've been feeling though. I think it's great that you're doing what you're doing, but your email could've been written to anyone - your parents, your friends, etc. Why are you so closed with me? That hurts that you don't tell me a thing.
I'm really 'finding myself' right now. You know, everything that's been ignored in me or that I didn't know existed, is coming to the forefront as I'm working here with people here.
I can't ignore all that I've felt here. It's very personalised, all this, for me. I see how I directly affect my environment and in a good way.
I also need to be fair on you. I need to know more about who I am and what I want.
I've been fairly unsatisfied with things between us for a while, as I've already said and I'm not willing to continue as we have been. I really need to think things through. I really miss you and the intimacy we kind of sometimes had and kind of sometimes NEARLY had.
I think that what we've had has been beautiful at times, but they've been so few and far between. I crave to be understood, I crave being important to my partner, I crave appreciating my partner so much and making that person feel so special that they see no-one but me. I deserve that and so do you.
F*ck do i feel what we're missing now. It's like a light has switched on.
No amount of just getting on and just telling each other that we could see us with the other for the rest of our lives is going to remedy that. I want to reach my potential. I don't think I'm achieving that with you. That's not fair on you or me. How much 'working' do we have to do, it's silly. Things haven't been that better since our discussions in March. It's not like we haven't tried.
I feel like you haven't understood so well how I felt as a result of my mother. I feel like you've been kind of a security for me for the past 6 months to a year, to show myself, 'look, I have a life, yeah, look at me' rather than the raw love that I felt for the first 3 to 6 months. No one ever wants to hurt anyone, or let someone go so easily when they've loved them so much. And I need to figure out my feelings for you. I don't think we have what we want.
I guess what I'm actually saying is, and I say this with the kind of sigh and frown that has tears running down its cheeks, because I have to do and say this, I think we ought to have time out for 3 weeks at least. I think we ought to meet up in 3 weeks time and say 'hey, you know what, I've been a fool, I love you so much and I've been so blinded....(for whatever reason)... can we start over?' or even say 'hey, you know what, I'm not going to do this to you, I feel differently now, I respect me and I respect you and I want to be happy and that means to me that we should not be together at this time....' or maybe 'I need so much more time and to have more experiences to figure this out...' or whatever the outcome after our soul searching. We deserve the best because we're both great people. We shouldn't hold ourselves back from whatever out of some sort of stubborn long running monogamy competition.
Please, please reply after some proper thought, but after that I don't want any further contact till we meet up.
I'm so sorry to have hit you with this, like this. I'm guessing you may have had similar thoughts. And if so, yes, it hurts me that I'm not right for you right now, if that's the case. Cos I think you are wonderful, but there's bits of you I'm just not reaching, touching. There's bits of me you're not reaching, touching. It's such a tragedy because I've really wanted to make it work, but it hasn't for ages. Can't imagine you being with someone else. I know I do want you to be happy. Maybe it'll be a lot different when we meet up.
I need this time away right now. Please understand. Please reply too.
Love and a big hug.
FR x
And now I have to click 'send'. F#cker.
