I'm sitting in an Internet cafe crying, wondering what's going on and not being able to figure it out soon enough before she went. 3 days, 3 days. What's that? It's not fair that's what. The time last night before the party when I fantasised about whispering in her ear about how sexy she is. Nervousness and lack of bottle. Good title for a book hey?

What does this all mean to me? What does she mean to me?

Passion, softness, nervousness, velvet. Concern that I'd disappoint her.

To go with someone - I can't just go too far too soon. It's like having icing but not the cake and the cake matters too. Not enough time - 3 days... I want to build things up, flirt, play, tease, but 3 days, 3 days. I hardly know her - you know - KNOW her. Fears, passions, inner thoughts, the people that made her feel good, the people that made her feel bad. 3 days, what's that?

Her country is on the other side of the world - does the world have sides - or is that just a linguistic barrier? It's as small as we want it to be.

I know she was hurt in another relationship that ended just 3 months ago after 3 years more or less. It takes time to heal from that. Especially when you're the one who DIDN'T want to end it all. I can't imagine how that must have felt for her. That horrible aching when someone you love turns around and drowns all your hopes in one big flash flood. Or maybe not. It wasn't the time for her to talk to me about it. I would've felt bad and she probably wouldn't have decided to see me.

What do I do? How do I feel about a relationship with my, yep, boyfriend?

Was this just an exploration for me, learning what I like and what she likes in intimacy? Do I want to be with him anymore? What should I tell him? I hardly know how I feel myself. Alive. Alive. Alive. Compassion. Energy with her. Little true energy between me and him for around 8 months now. Though you know, I went through a hard time over those 8 months, my single parent mum went to mental hospital, I stuck around for her for 2 months. A crazy hard time. Where she had me wrapped around that little finger again. Now I'm pulling strings by setting limits on how she interacts with me. For my sake; cos I felt so bad all the time. The guilt trips she got high on where my feelings and my living does not count or that's how it feels, felt. I feel so sad for her, so sad. But I can't make it all better. I don't have a magic wand. I don't have training. My chosen career was not a carer. Is not a carer. I'm so sorry that that lets her down. Anyway the point being that it's hard to have a relationship with someone when all that's going on. But he was not there for me very often, it was like there was this gaping whole of knowing me and knowing how I felt. When I told him once or twice, he comforted me, but I didn't feel like the way she made me feel, when I'd told her barely anything. But I think this is partly unfair on him; I don't know, maybe he just didn't get it. Maybe it's because the whole thing with her was so emotional that all the raw stuff was like 'let me out first, please' and the rest take an orderly place in the queue. But he didn't get that opportunity to share my feelings in that way. Do you see? I'm trying to think around this and not put it in a box. There's so much to think about. One at a time eh?!

Am I getting caught up in a moment? That isn't me? Who am I?

We were so tired last night. I think we both wanted intimacy, we got it, but we were so tired; I wanted it to have been different; but 3 days, 3 days.

Love.

I've got to acknowledge my feelings. Repression a f*$king boring game played for too long. I'm so good at behaving how everyone expects me to that I don't know how I, yes me, feel most of the time. I've been on a mind-blowing rollercoaster. Thoughts swirling thickly in my head that I can't pick out; can't grab onto a particular one; can't listen to anyone else at the moment. This moment is mine. It's about time.

Drinking her mango shake. She only left me 41 minutes ago. She just got on her bus half an hour ago.

This is all true not just some made up garbage for everyone's entertainment. Got to get it out somewhere.

Gorgeous figure, the way she moves... big smiles...

She held me in a grasp so understandingly, it's like she knew what I needed.

I think I shall leave it here for now. I need some time alone to sort out how I feel. TIME, time, to value what I felt, TIME to articulate all of this. TIME.

I sent her a text to say that I miss her so much already, she texted back saying I should talk to someone else about how I'm feeling. And that she's only an email away. All I can do is take that at face value. I feel quite disappointed. OK, ok, ok. Later.