SONG:
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow
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MY WORDS:
I feel your softness and how delicate you are. How you feel empathy and compassion for me that no-one else has. How you have challenged EVERYTHING. My beliefs, principles, encouraged me to think. Cleverly you did this.. The stars shine for you bebecause what you do is so important and so are the things you say. You deserve those stars to shine for you. You are special.
Admiration or el oh vee eee? Too big a question too soon.
----------------------
SONG:
So Sally can't wait,
She knows it's too late
As we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger I heard you say
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows
If it's not our day
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MY WORDS:
It's not too late, I won't let this walk on by, I won't let my soul slide away.. I've got to take the risk despite it hurting others. I can't keep living like a shell. I've got to find out for myself.
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SONG:
(Coldplay)
Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start
Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start
I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart
Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start
Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start
----------------------
MY WORDS:
Will there be an end to my shell life? Should all bits of it be let go? Even the good bits? Or did the good bits just disappear, I can no longer remember. What's worth it, what's not?
I'm overwhelmed. I sobbed my eyes nearly dry. Then it went as quickly as it came. I said 'I'm sad' when I sobbed, but I don't why I said this. I know I am, but was it to do with my awful childhood which I've been learning to cope with or was it my gender I was referring to? It just came rushing out. This feeling of utter sadness. Disappointment partly at how terrible people have been to me. Even if it was not intended on their part.
Then I enjoyed kissing her, searching her face and neck with my lips. I have never done this before with em ee en.. It's like she felt special and soft. And small but strong. I felt love somewhat exchanged between us. Tentatively. Given I only have 2 days left until we retreat to opposites sides of the world... you get my meaning anyway. Do I really want this? Do I feel fleetingly that I violated, no did something disgusting. We spent the night together. It wasn't lust. A lot of feeling and maybe a release of a build up, but not so much some sort of chased animal game.
I questioned my em ay en, feefelt I've been with him as a safe bet; a saftey net. I got lost and let someone else lead the way. Should I be single now?
Was I just wearing a role really well? Just doing it for her so well? Was it all me? Or was it my concerns about saving her feelings? I didn't feel uncomfortable that night; last night. I felt contentedness... someone who I barely know (over 3 weeks - not every day), who's leaving so soon. Tears are brimming as I write that. It's because I want to make more of this but it's not possible. For now anyway. She's rare. It isn't often you meet a person and just are struck so much by how wonderful a person they are.
I believe at the moment that it's about the person. That love is not based primarily on gender - I don't have to be with a em ay en. I'm not confirming my feelings here either - I just don't know and there is a limit to the reciprocation. She cares for my feelings.
We raised eyebrows at the house. Her absence from her house was remarked upon and people at my house knew the 2 of us had come out of the same room, looking dishevelled.
I felt a bit of pressure with her. I said thoughts that weren't really on the cards - they were there but I didn't want to say them, but I did. She reacted by taking me very seriously and I'm worried she has an exaggerated view of my eagerness. I think I felt a pressure to go further but when I did it was fine. Not scary, not awful at all. It was too soon for me but she has only 2 days left and I wanted to try it with her before she left.
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The more you learn, the less you know, but the more you then know about yourself.
